It's Bad; It's Good

It's Bad; It's Good

For the Penitent Curmudgeon writing is both psychological and spiritual therapy. Writing helps me to sort out, organize, and make some sense of what transpires within. If this Blog does others any good, I am thankful. If it bears testimony to God's grace to others who may walk where I walk, I am glad for it. But, if nothing else, it does my own soul good to write. If anyone, who receives this Blog, does not wish to receive it, just shoot me an email, and I will, with curmudgeonly good cheer, remove your name from the distribution.

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. (Psalm 119:67, ESV)

The Lord has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death. (Psalm 118:18, ESV)

The past two months have been the hardest of my life. I have experienced some hard times in the past - vocational failures, disappointments in friendships, the loss of my father, mother, and daughter-in-law, my children's trials and pains, times of relentless depression. But for me the present has been the most painful.

This will be no tell-all confessional. It is not necessary and would not be wise for you or me or considerate of others. It is enough to say that sin, abetted by depression, manifested itself in attitudes, words, and behaviors that were destructive to others and to me and dishonoring to God. Then the heavy hand of the Lord came down on me. At first I responded with more of the same attitudes, words, and actions. That gave way to utter, hopeless despair. Finally, it began to produce repentance.

Yesterday, I reached a new turning point, when I found myself saying to me, "This has been good for me; I am glad it happened." I am thankful for what the Lord has been doing in my life, and I pray for its continuance. These good things would not have happened without the bad things.

I do not mean to say that what was so hard has become easy and an unmixed blessing. It is not. Everyday, and especially during a certain portion  of the day, I feel depressed, alone, anxious, fearful about the future. In these times my experience is best described by the Psalmist:

Will the Lord absent himself for ever? and will he be no more intreated?
Is his mercy clean gone for ever? and is his promise come utterly to an end for evermore?
Hath God forgotten to be gracious? and will he shut up his loving- kindness in displeasure?          (Psalm 77:7-9, Coverdale)

At these times, I resort to what is my default "explanatory style" (thanks to my friend Charley Chase and his book Grace-Focused Optimist for this insight.) My default explanatory style is pessimistic about God's intentions. I believe God is not out to bless me, but to punish me. He will not restore anything he has taken, but take it all permanently to punish me for my sins and to teach me more lessons I must learn. At such times I see God with a "frowny face" as I try to look up at him. 

But I am thankful that, along with depressed and anxious times, there are times of contentment, peace, and hopefulness. How did God in the midst of my sin and his chastisement begin to do good things in my life?

The first is through my church and my Bishop Dan Morse. At his direction I had ceased my old Blog, and I had surrendered to him my ministerial license. He invited me to visit with him in Nashville. He led me through a service or reconciliation, and during the Absolution, I sensed reality of Lord's complete forgiveness of all my sins and, during Holy Communion, I experienced fellowship with the living Christ who has promised to be present in the giving and receiving of the consecrated bread and wine. It was one of the most profound religious experiences I have ever had. The next day came something I did not expect. Bishop Dan restored my ministerial credentials which allow me to minister Word and Sacrament. What I came to see was important was, not how others saw Bishop's handling of me, but what transpired among the Lord, my Bishop, and me.

At the same time the Lord was showing my sin more fully and vividly than ever before. When I saw that the problem was not detachable from me, but was me, I despaired of any hope. Then came the book which saved my life, sanity, and spirit, The Ragamuffin Gospel. I learned that Christians can and do sin and screw-up - sometimes spectacularly. That was me. I did not once feel that the author, Brennan Manning, gave me permission to sin, but I did feel that I did not have to despair because I was a sinner. God knows all that, and always has, and yet he loves me. A friend sent this quote from J.I. Packer that catches the message perfectly: "There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery can now disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me."  Manning showed me I did not have to clean myself up or do penance (yes, evangelicals do penance before going to the Lord) to make up for what I had done. Nor did I have to know I was forever changed to go back to God when I failed. I could come "just as I am" assured that he would forgive me and be reconciled to me. It could be (understandably) hard for others, but God could and and would receive me. 

Another thing that happened was that, after much hit and miss with my Prayer Book, God enabled me to develop consistency. I was driven by the need for contact with the God of the Bible. My present practice is that I use Morning Prayer toward the beginning of the day. Then when I get in bed at night I use Evening Prayer for families along with some supplemental prayers. I do my best to focus my attention and open my heart so that none of this becomes rote. The Book of Common Prayer is saturated with the Bible. There are Psalms for every day. There are readings from the Old and New Testaments. The prayers cover Biblical subjects with Biblical words and teaching. And I can personalize it all to myself and circumstances. I am finding as I go through these exercises that God often speaks peace to my disquieted soul. The services of the Prayer Book are places where I can meet and interact with the living and true God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Then, we live in the small town of Water Valley. Most Sundays we attend worship with the Presbyterians, and most Wednesday nights attend their supper/Bible study/prayer meeting. I had stopped going to church altogether, but the pastor kept reaching out to me without pushing. Eventually the Lord enabled me to confide in the pastor and one of the elders. They responded to me as brothers and friends and have stuck by me. I would understand, if, despite my Bishop's restoration, they had wanted to watch me awhile, but with much grace they have invited me to preach in two weeks' time.

Then there is the place of confession and apology to those I have wronged. I go to them with words, because words are all I have with which to go, plus any "sense of me" they get from my words written or spoken, and any fleeting glimpses they get of my life.  They cannot see my heart. The right thing for me to do is to apologize. But, I have had to learn a difficult lesson. I do not control their responses, the substance or timing of them. That is up to the Lord and to them. Not only do I not control them; I should not. They need to respond as the Lord moves them with the freedom of their own consciences before him. 

My life has not become, "I'm traveling on the upward way; new heights I'm gaining everyday." No, I am on a roller coaster. During every point of every day, I am somewhere on that ride, and so with every week and group of weeks. But I believe the Lord has hold of me at every climb, descent, and turn.

Joseph was able to say to his brothers who betrayed him and years later came to fear what he would do to retaliate, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." I have come to be able to say of the spiritual death spiral I was in, "I meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." 

Lately, as I continue to experience the Lord's chastisement, I have found hope in one of the verses used in the Prayer Book's call to confession:

Rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil  (Joel 2:13).

No the Lord does not do evil in the moral sense. He has no need to repent of any sin, for he is holy, righteous, loving, and good in himself and all his ways. And, no the Lord does not "change his mind," as do we fallible humans because we make mistakes; he knows his own mind from eternity to eternity. But sometimes the Lord, having announced his intention to punish or having begun his chastisement, does from a human point of view, change his mind and not do to us what he threatened and what we deserve. He repents of it and spares us. It is my prayer that it may be so for me - that he may restore what the locusts have eaten.

If I come to mind, and the Lord puts me on your heart, pray for me that he, who has begun a good work in me, will continue to perfect it till the day of Jesus Christ.